About this time last year things started to come together. My book was getting signed, I had the support of my loved ones, everyone I knew was alive and well. Things were good.
Until they weren’t.
I was getting extremely burned out. Between working 4 jobs, writing several books over a short time interval, traveling for cons, and taking night classes I didn’t seem to have a moment where I wasn’t running. Where I wasn’t late for something. Even breathing was hard work. I was anxious, angry, irritable, and constantly feeling like a failure for falling behind on completing the many items on my daily to-do list.
My health was suffering.
I got injured 12 years ago and was told I would never run again; thus, it had been 12 years since I had a regular work out routine. My diet sucked. I was also lacking in social interactions and ended up barricading myself in work.
The end of my marriage was in some ways a shock and in some ways completely unsurprising.
I blamed myself. I didn’t prioritize enough. Didn’t make enough time or effort. Wasn’t a good enough partner. These self-blaming thoughts continued for months. He blamed himself too. The truth is that neither of us is to blame. Sometimes things just end and endings are often hard.
I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family, keeping this a secret for many months. I didn’t think they would understand. By burying myself in work and alienating from others I was not receiving the support I needed, feeling more ashamed of myself, feeling weak and wanting to avoid these feelings any way I could.
My book deadline was coming up. It was coming up fast and I didn’t think I would be able to finish it on time. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and desperately needed support.
That day I finally found the courage to tell my mom about the divorce. I picked up the phone and dialed. When she picked up, she told me that a member of our family attempted suicide.
I could no longer run away from this. In some ways it would have been easy to just plunge back into my book, given that I was on a tight deadline. However, this time I was so beat up that I could not function properly. I put my book aside and decided to focus on self-care. Instead of running away from my problem, I started to run in the park. I also went to barre (a form of exercise that’s a cross between yoga and ballet). I had started both of these a few days prior to the news but somehow the devastation of what had occurred forced me to exercise more.
I realized how much I was craving self-care, how much I needed self-compassion and human companionship. I reached out to my friends and family. I reached out to the universe and I was blessed with getting exactly what I needed – love and support.
When I was able to slow down and open myself to love, I was able to find it everywhere. I was able to find love, attention, and patience in my work, in my writing, with my friends, and later, with a wonderful partner and his children.
After asking for and receiving the support from my loved ones, I continued running, now with a dear friend. Last year I was able to run my first 5K (as Batgirl) and then a 10K (Disney’s Avengers race).
This year I just ran my first half marathon (Disney’s Star Wars run).
The more I opened myself up to receiving love, the more I was able to receive. The more I was able to self-care, the more resilience I developed. And so, in many ways, the rock bottom I experienced last year became the very foundation I needed to start over, to pick up the pieces and find the courage I needed to find out what was most important to me. To open myself up to happiness, embrace my imperfection, open myself up to excruciating vulnerability, all in the name of what’s truly important.
While I am grateful for all the strength they have brought me, I wouldn’t ask for any more difficulties in my life. What I would ask for is a continuous reminder of my courage to embrace my suffering, to be able to treat it gently and with compassion, and to use it to help me reconnect with my core values. I leave you here with this video and the wishes below, hoping that you too may find the strength in your struggle.
May you be happy
May you find what you need
May you know how loved you are
May you know much you matter in this world
Dr. Janina Scarlet is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a scientist, and a full time geek. She uses Superhero Therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and PTSD at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Management and Sharp Memorial Hospital. Dr. Scarlet also teaches at Alliant International University, San Diego. Her book, Superhero Therapy, is expected to be released in 2016 with Little, Brown Book Group.
If you would like to learn more about Superhero Therapy, please feel free to contact Dr. Janina Scarlet via Twitter @shadowquill, Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Shadow.Scarletl, or via her website at www.superhero-therapy.com
Janina,
This is a beautiful post. I’m so happy to have come across it. I’m amazed at your marathon running! I start PT today for a knee injury that happened 5 years ago, right after my divorce. I think there is more than coincidence to the injury timing, as well as the recovery. thank you for inspiring me through your writing, running, and super heroes.
-Rebecca =)
And the Japanese Bowl song made me cry. Just for the record.
=)
Aww. Thanks so much, Rebecca. Thank you for your beautiful comment.
Sending much love on healing from both the knee injury and the divorce. Keep superheroing, this is what superheroes are made of 🙂
~Janina
This is the first post I read from your website, which was the first thing that came up when I searched “what if superheroes had PTSD”. I’m a veteran who is struggling with PTSD and loves superheroes. Anyway, I already like what I read and can’t wait to hear more! Especiallly this book of yours that’s coming out. Keep us updated as to where and when we can get it!
Hi Ben,
Thank you so much for reading and for your post, and welcome to the site 🙂
Absolutely! The book should be out toward the end of the year and should be available online and in all major book stores, like Barnes & Noble